My Poet's Heart
I have written poetry since I was a young child. I have saved each poem that I’ve ever penned, no matter how childish or immature they may seem now. During my infertility journey, I turned to poetry time after time to express my deepest anguish at my circumstances. Maybe you can identify with some of the emotions expressed in the following group of poems. I pray that they may minister to you and that you will be able to see my growth from fighting my situation to submitting to God’s greater will for my life. May He be honoured in each of our journeys.
Division
(June 8,2002)
You are the One who knows me,
even to the innermost part.
You are the One who sees me,
sees the division in my heart.
So much of me wants to serve You
in everything that I do
but part of me can’t trust,
even though what You say is true.
It’s not that I can’t trust You,
it’s just that I want my way.
But Your will is not my way, Oh Lord,
and sometimes that’s hard to obey.
I have hopes and dreams for my life
and I know You do as well.
The waiting is the hardest,
You don’t just come out and tell.
Create patience in me, my Lord,
for Your will to be revealed.
Forgive my faithless heart
and to You my life I yield.
Limitations
(Apr 1, 2003)
Who am I to question,
to wonder, to doubt?
How can I be so selfish
when I know what life is about.
The world doesn’t revolve
solely around me.
But my life is important,
how can that be?!
I think of years past,
the struggles I endured.
Did I grow and learn?
Have I deafly not heard?
Oh my childish ways,
my self-centredness!
Oh my Father,
my sins I confess.
I confess that You are all,
the true and eternal King
who protects and loves me
throughout everything.
In all my limitations,
I can see no use for me.
But You look beyond the borders,
You see what I can be.
Thank you for working in me
in spite of it all.
Help me to look beyond myself.
Make me worthy of Your call.
Emptiness
(Oct 8, 2003)
I feel the silence
in each part of my soul.
I hear the emptiness
aching to be whole.
I’ve said the prayer
a million ways,
I’ve asked for the same thing
for so many days.
And yet I hear nothing,
feel nothing inside.
A gaping hole opens,
filled with the tears I’ve cried.
When will I receive
that which I desire?
Or will my dreams be thrown away
like rubbish into the fire?
My arms remain empty
while others receive.
Somewhere there’s a purpose,
in this I do believe.
I cannot understand,
for Your ways are not my own.
I look forward to the day
when You will make all known.
Submission
(Nov 3, 2003)
What can I do
to serve You more?
How can I show
who my life is lived for?
I am a poor representation,
human to the core.
Battling within myself,
spirit and flesh at war.
I want to live in joy,
not just be content.
I want to live by faith,
not just acknowledgement.
Show me the rewards,
let me know the benefits.
I don’t want You to find
I’ve lived as a counterfeit.
Let this be real to me,
shatter the binding of my heart.
Pour Yourself into every corner,
saturate each and every part.
When You look at my heart,
may You find my motives pure.
For my insolence and waywardness,
may You be the cure.
Give me a servant’s heart,
submissive and obedient to You.
Remove my sinful self,
replace it with more of You.
One Request
(Jan 26, 2004)
It’s been so long,
the hurt is so deep.
I don’t know what I want
but I can no longer weep.
I give up, God.
There’s nothing I can do.
I can’t keep on asking
for this gift from You.
This is not Your time.
This is not Your plan.
Why do I feel
that this is all I am?
All I’ve ever wanted
is just outside of my reach.
I know you have a reason,
something You want to teach.
But God, it’s such a hard lesson,
one I have trouble with each day.
I don’t know Your purpose,
but for it is all I pray.
I cannot understand this,
but I know You know my way.
I have asked for this so much
and now there’s nothing left to say.
You know my heart’s desires,
please let me know Your will.
I look for an answer
for those You choose to fulfill.
Your Ways Are Not My Ways
(July 13, 2004)
The ‘whys’ will not disappear
no matter how hard I pray.
They just keep multiplying
leaving me with regretful things to say.
“Who are You to do this?
How dare You take this from me?
Is it not my right to have this?
Why can’t You just let this be?”
And then a constant reminder,
nudging me from within,
showing me You’re right here
just wanting to be let in.
Wanting to share in my troubles,
wanting to feel my pain.
The tears are overflowing,
with You I feel no shame.
I do not understand Your ways
but I know You have my best at heart.
The pain is only temporary
and I only know a part.
Lord, help me to be patient,
to submit to what You’d have me do.
Please show me Your way more clearly,
let the hindrances be few.
All About Me
(Dec 10, 2004)
Here I am once again,
swimming in pity for myself.
I have a special talent –
hearing about others,
focusing on myself.
I cannot rejoice with you,
because I live inside of me.
I have no responses –
just dissatisfaction
and regret.
Why I can’t let go
is beyond my realm of thought.
I want to put others before me –
step aside,
out of the limelight.
The tears continue to fall,
soaking through my pillow.
I want them to be wiped away –
free from hurt,
free from shame.
So many thoughts in mind,
running through scenarios I can’t watch.
I am truly a selfish person –
crying for me,
it’s all about me.
In Waiting
(July 7, 2005)
There is an emptiness
deep inside of me,
brought out in glimpses
of what cannot be.
I am incomplete,
unable to perform,
filled with emotions,
lost in the storm.
My heart cries out,
broken by pain.
I feel so alone,
yet You remain.
You see all.
You know all.
But in my anger,
I have built a wall.
I want to protect myself,
be shielded from the unknown.
With each new day,
my heart becomes more like stone.
I become defensive,
seething in bitterness.
My act of nonchalance
is weak at best.
Who am I kidding?
Who am I leading astray?
Your eyes see through me,
I cannot get away.
You seek after me,
hold me as I cry.
Never revealing Your will,
even when I ask why.
Someday I will know,
see Your purpose in it all.
I will need strength
to answer this call.
Until then I wait.
Until then I pray,
not my will but Thine be done.
God, please show me the way.
I Have Nothing
(Sept 6, 2005)
The emptiness is overwhelming.
It is all I see when I look inside.
I have nothing left to fill it,
only the tears that I’ve cried.
I shed tears of exasperation,
I throw my hands up in defeat.
I have nothing left to offer,
I should just bow and take my seat.
I’m ready to concede the victory,
I see no other end in sight.
I have nothing left within me,
I’m ready to give up the fight.
With clenched fists I hold my dreams,
You strip each finger away.
I reach out to grasp them,
to hold them for one more day.
I can no longer hold on to those dreams
for they solely occupied my heart.
I have nothing now but memories
of when I played a part.
I became all-consumed
with myself and my desires.
All I’ve gained is an emptiness
of which I have grown tired.
And now I give it all to You
for I gain nothing on my own.
My barren soul cries out to You,
God, make Yourself be known.
Flood through the empty corners,
fill each cavern of my soul.
Make Your desires mine, oh God,
only then will I be whole.
Peel back the many layers,
until I am fresh and new.
For I have nothing in this life
but what I have in You.
