Crumpled in the fetal position I once again cried out to God the same questions I had been screaming at Him for many months – “Why not me? Why am I not pregnant? Why can’t You just give me a child?!” Sound familiar? I remember when my husband and I first decided to start our family. I looked upon the future with such hope and anticipation. I never dreamed that once we tried to get pregnant that we never actually would.
Honestly, I felt called to be a mother. When other people were planning for post-secondary education and careers, I was praying for a life of service to God including a wonderful man to marry and children to bear. In 1997, I entered Tyndale Bible College where I met my husband, Ray, whom I married in 1999. We were young and our heads and hearts were full of dreams. It didn’t take too long for my dreams to center around children. It took Ray a little bit longer but in the summer of 2002, we threw caution to the wind and began trying to conceive.
When nothing happened within the first few months, I wasn’t overly concerned. I knew God had everything planned out in His perfect timing so I would try to patiently wait for His timing. Of course, patience is a virtue I struggle with so this thought process was quite difficult!
By the fourth month of trying to conceive I felt that it was time to bring on the prayer warriors so I began to share my concerns with some of the women in my small group at church. I asked them to pray for a baby for Ray and I and they all willingly said they would like it was no big deal. They all had had babies so of course it would happen!
Our sixth month of trying rolled around and the stat that the vast majority of couples trying to get pregnant typically do within the first 6 months glared at me. My defences were crumbling. The God that I had served with every ounce of my being was ignoring my pleas for my heart’s desire. He was allowing my greatest fear to become my reality and I began to feel betrayed by the One I called my Father.
Are you at this point in your journey, dear friend? Do you feel that your Saviour has betrayed your faith in Him by not saving you from this painful experience? May I encourage you to never stop praying? Never stop expressing your feelings to God – both the good and the bad. He already knows and understands. He can handle your doubt, your fears, your heartbreak. In the times that you feel most alone, He is there with you. It may not seem that He is acting on your behalf when you want Him to but I urge you to look to Him for His heart’s desire for your life. This current trial will refine you into more Christ-likeness if you have an open heart and a teachable spirit.
“Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62:8
Press on in your faith, sister. Ask God to reveal His heart’s desire to you and to alter yours to reflect His if they differ. May you trust Him enough to present all your requests to Him and know His answer will be perfect – even if it is a “not yet” response.
